Joel McGarvey
Associate Director, Evangelist

Mr. McGarvey grew up in Altoona, Pennsylvania in the home of godly parents who instilled in Joel and his siblings the importance of serving the Lord. It was during these years that he sat under the ministry and teachings of Pastor Henry Kulp. Joel is a graduate of Grace Bible College. For over twenty years Joel ministered in 3 churches in Michigan and 2 in Pennsylvania. Joel and his wife Susan have four children. Their two daughters (Rebecca and Jennifer) live in Wisconsin where their husbands pastor churches. They also have two sons, Paul (in the Army) and Joel Jr (at home). Joel has been involved in radio and television ministries as well as traveling with his brother Tim in a singling ministry. He also serves on the Board of Things To Come Mission, currently serving as its Chairman. Joel joined the Board of BDTLB in March of 2004 and became the Associate Director in January of 2005. Since that time he and his wife have traveled extensively sharing the saving Gospel of the Grace of God around the country in one of their Faith and Fire Crusades. The McGarveys look forward to ministering in your church.

Admittedly this article will be different than most published in the pages of Truth Aflame. Its subject matter is not evangelistic, nor is it expounding some deep theological truths. But it is my prayer that it will find fertile ground in the hearts and minds of married couples. Prayerfully read the following article and weigh its words against your own personal marital relationship. Today, perhaps as never before, we must work to strengthen the home. In ever-increasing numbers, marriages are broken, homes are being destroyed. Lives are being torn apart and wasted - often ending up in total discouragement - and, therefore, are limited in their ability to fully serve the Lord.

There is a growing problem in the home and family today and that problem is divorce. If it were not so sad it would almost be amusing to hear of long-term marriages defined by such terms as, “10 and 15 years.” Marriages such as these are applauded as miraculous rather than commonplace. Many marriages today last only 5 to 7 years rather then 75. I recently read a divorce announcement of a marriage that lasted less than one year. Think of that, less than one year! What could possibly have crept into that marriage in less than a year that wasn’t already present in some form before the wedding?

Although there are slight differences in the various statistics, it appears as though the current rate in the breakup of the marriage bond runs around 50% (some put this at a slightly higher rate). That means that every other marriage in America today is matched by a divorce. Whatever the exact figures may be, it remains a sad commentary on the state of marriage in America. But an even sadder statistic reveals that this rate is nearly identical within the church among professing Christians. One can readily understand the higher rates among the unchurched or unsaved, but we must stand amazed when this figure is duplicated within the church.

The reasons for the demise of marriage within the church may be more varied that we have the time and space to deal with here. But it is also possible that the many reasons often cited are in reality the outgrowth of a simple truth - the abandonment of godly principles among the children of God. The Word of God has increasingly been replaced by the likes of Oprah and Doctor Phil. Added to this is the “wise counsel” offered (and unfortunately followed) by unsaved co-workers, loved ones and concerned neighbors. In my own personal ministry experience (and I am sure one shared by many other Pastors) over the years, I have heard cries such as, “She/he deserves to be happy”; “Everyone is doing it”; and “God will understand.” The simple, yet honest answer to each of these statements is, “No, He doesn’t!” and, “No, they’re not!” Genuine and lasting happiness will only be achieved for believers when they are within the will of God. It is wrong for the believer to expect the Lord to bless anything contrary to His basic will as set forth in His Word!

So, what is the root cause of the increasing dissolution of marriage among those who call themselves saints of God? As I stated previously, it is simply the abandonment of godly principles designed to guide the marriage and individuals. I have entitled this article, “Marriage or Merger,” because it is this writer’s opinion that many marriages today are, in truth, merely mergers.

A young man and woman are brought together by the clergy, united in marriage, and then receive their marriage certificate. By all outward appearances, they have become a “couple.” Or, have they simply merged two previously separate lives under one name? What do I mean by this? Listen carefully to the revealing terminology often used by married couples. The words “mine” and “hers” will be used in place of, or more often than, “ours.” “This is his car,” and “This is my car”; “his room” and “my room”; “his friends” and “my friends.” But the biggest one is “his check” and “my check,” “his money” and “my money,” “his savings account” and “my savings account.” Now I understand that in the case of a business it may be necessary for the business owner to have a separate account from the personal account of the spouse, but that is a different situation. But even then the husband and wife should have a joint account. What I am referring to are couples with no outside interests, even following marriage, continuing to maintain separate accounts with separate funds. While this may seem like nit-picking to some, I believe one account would go a long way in establishing what is missing from the modern Christian marriage (keep in mind I am only writing concerning Christian marriages).

In order to understand the godly principles mentioned above as lacking from marriages today, let us consult the Word of God and establish a foundation upon which we can build. God instituted marriage in the beginning, in the garden when He brought together the first man and woman. At that time it is written, Adam said, “This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” (Gen. 2:23-24). Jesus quoted a portion of the above passage and then added the words, “Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh…” (Mt. 19:6a). The phrase added by Jesus is similar in meaning to that written in Genesis, “bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh.” Not only was the woman taken from man, but when they were united together by God they became one. This may seem to be fuzzy math, but two becomes one in marriage! Marriage is more than simply a piece of paper; it is the supernatural joining together of two individuals as a single unit. But even more than that, marriage involves each individual forsaking his or her past in order to begin a new journey with his or her new partner. This is expressed in the words “leave” and “cleave.” The Hebrew word translated leave carries the meaning of forsaking or relinquishing their past identity. This is seen in the leaving of father and mother. This would be representative of their past nurturing and support - their life. Their parents conceived and gave them birth, life and breath. They fed and clothed them and gave them their very identity. But now in marriage they are instructed of God to forsake that parental relationship and be joined to their spouse. Many marriages suffer because one or both spouses refuse to break the apron strings to parents. This joining is seen in the word cleave. To cleave means to adhere, keep fast, and stick to. It may be illustrated through the welding process where two pieces of steel are joined together by a single weld, thus becoming one. Years ago, a television commercial for Elmer’s Glue featured several of pieces of lumber being joined together to become one. The bonded piece then underwent extreme bending until it snapped, but the break came at a point other then the glue joint. The point of the commercial was to demonstrate how strong the bond was between the previous separate pieces of lumber. It is this same bond that is to exist in the Christian marriage. The husband is to leave (forsake) his parental relationship and cleave (adhere to) his wife and they are said to become one flesh. With the one flesh there is no longer “his” and “hers” but rather “ours.”

A marriage is not a 50/50 proposition (his/mine) but, rather, it is a 100/100 relationship with each partner sharing equally in the union. The Apostle Paul spoke of this when he wrote to the church at Ephesus:

Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the Church: and He is the Savior of the Body. Therefore as the Church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the Church, and gave Himself for it; That He might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the Word, That He might present it to Himself a glorious Church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loves his wife loves himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourishes and cherishes it, even as the Lord the Church: For we are members of His Body, of His flesh, and of His bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the Church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband (Eph. 5:21-33).

Sadly, much emphasis has been placed upon verses 22 and 23 that have resulted in an out-of-balance approach to marriage. It would often appear as though the section began with the words of verse 22 rather than 21. For the sake of this article, we want to concentrate on the proper relationship that ought to exist in the godly marriage and the one thing often lacking from marriages today. It is this writer’s position that the proper relationship is found primarily in verse 21 with the details set forth in the following verses.

The Apostle Paul opened by directing the husband and the wife to “submit” themselves to “one another in the fear of God.” Too often, it is thought that the submission is to be only one way - wife to husband - but this is obviously contrary to Scripture. The word “submitting” literally means “being submissive” or the placing of one’s self under another. In the context, the Apostle instructs both parties of the marriage to be submissive, or to place themselves under the other party. This would point up the matter of horizontal equality that is to exist within the marriage. Before Paul even mentions the vertical aspect that is to exist, he begins with the horizontal equality. The problem often existing in Christian marriages is the failure of the husband and wife to submit to one another. I have known husbands who refused to do the smallest tasks for themselves, including something as simple as making their own lunch. Wives were demanded to be home at a certain time to fix a sandwich for their husband, not because he was incapable of doing it for himself. This is not submission but rather dictatorship. The same is true for wives who blatantly disregard their husband’s authority and go over his head. Solomon wrote of the virtuous woman (wife) who “… will do him [husband] good and not evil all the days of her life” (Prov. 31:12). I have heard many wives speak publicly in a negative fashion concerning their husbands. If there is a problem that needs to be addressed with either spouse, it should be addressed in the privacy of the home (and away from any children) and not in public. A wife or husband that speaks publicly about their spouse negatively is not a godly, submitted spouse. The word translated “submission” means to be in subjection to, to be under obedience and subordinate to. It carries the idea of one looking out for, lifting up, and supporting the other.

The verse concludes with the words “in the fear of God” and refers to the reverence that is to be demonstrated toward Christ. As we make Him preeminent in our lives, all that is said and done is to be carried out with Christ in view, and in such a way as to bring honor and glory to Him. Paul uses a similar phrase elsewhere when he states, “as unto the Lord.” As the believing husband and wife execute their daily marital responsibilities, they do so with the Lord in view, with the single goal of pleasing Him alone. This is not done with the idea of upstaging or outdoing the other. Godly submission involves one spouse acting in the best interest of and support for the other. Whatever lessons are taught by Solomon in Proverbs 31, it cannot be argued that he did not have a godly, submissive wife in view (and the same concept expressed about the wife could equally be applied to the husband).

Yes, the headship of the home belongs to the husband even in the same way that Christ is the Head of the Church. This same thought is conveyed in 1 Corinthians 11:3 where the Apostle Paul writes, “But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the Head of Christ is God.” The thought is one of subordination rather than inferiority. Just as the Son does not usurp the authority of the Father, neither is the wife to usurp the authority of her husband. While the Father, Son and Holy Spirit are all equally God, there is also a line of submission existing within the Godhead. The submission of the Son to the Father in no way detracts from His equality with the Father (Phil. 2:6; Jn. 10:30). I touch on this here to establish that while the husband is the head of the marriage and house, his headship does not equate an absolute dictatorship over his spouse. While there is a vertical order of subordination (wife to husband, husband to Christ, Christ to God), there co-exists a horizontal equality. The wife is not merely the executor of all the husband’s whims, nor is she to be the uninformed silent partner in the marriage!

The next verse in the passage (vs. 24) further explains the extent of the wife in her submission to her husband. “Therefore as the Church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.” In the same way, the Church places itself under the authority of Christ and the wife, likewise, is to do so under her husband. The godly church does not usurp the authority of Christ in carrying out its ministry, neither is the wife to usurp the authority of her husband in the home. Again, this is not a dictatorship (we’ll see the husband’s role shortly) but, rather, God’s plan to instill order where there would otherwise be chaos. Perhaps an illustration is in order here. A need arises for a new car for the family. The wife would like a red van while the husband prefers a blue sedan. The trip is made to the car dealership, all of the amenities are considered, and the prices are compared. The couple returns to their home to discuss further the vehicles under consideration. After careful (and prayerful) consideration, the husband determines that the sedan will better fit the family’s current need and budget. At this point, it would be wrong for the wife to go out and purchase the van. In partnership, the two discussed the vehicles and in the end, the husband made the determination.

But at this juncture we must also consider the next verse in the passage. “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the Church, and gave Himself for it” (vs. 25). While the wife is to submit to the husband, the husband is instructed to love his wife! The word love is translated from the Greek word agape and is an unconditional love. In addition, the example of this love is said to be the humbling, self-sacrificing, self-giving, humble example of Christ. What does this mean? It means that the husband considers not his own desires but rather those of his wife and family. He willingly sets aside a personal agenda for the promotion of his spouse and the general welfare of the home. In the illustration given above, it may have been that the van was the proper choice, and in that case, the husband would have willingly given up his thought of the sedan.

It ought to be obvious that the godly marriage is not built upon words such as “me” “mine” or “I,” but rather, “us” and “we.” The godly marriage is not a merger between individuals each bent on maintaining his or her own identity and goals. It is not two people existing under one roof in pursuit of their dreams. The godly marriage is the union of two people brought together in the sight of God who become one: one flesh tied together under the authority of Christ. The godly marriage is one where each has the other’s interests in view and then in full humility submits to the other. In this submission there is a willingness to surrender the desires of self for the needs and desires of the other. This bi-directional submission is not done from time to time but, rather, must be a key element of the daily marital relationship. The thought processes of either spouse must be with the other in view and Christ as preeminent.

In my pre-marital counseling, I present marriage as a “love triangle” with Christ at the peak and the husband and wife each occupying the other two corners. I emphasize the fact that a godly marriage is one in which each spouse seeks to draw closer to the Lord (make Him preeminent in all they do). As each draws closer to the Lord, they will, in turn, be drawn closer to one another. To focus on only one, the other is to destroy the real “glue” that will hold their marriage together. This focus is also the manner in which each is to respond to the other - in the fear of Christ. If each looks to the Lord Jesus Christ as the overriding authority in the marriage and family, the thought of godly submission will come easy.

In the godly marriage, where each spouse is submitted to the Lord and to one another, there will not be the selfish responses such as, “I don’t want to,” “I don’t think I should have to,” or “Over my dead body.” Each will respond in love with the desire to support, lift up and please the other. In marriage, as in the world, we hear much about “self esteem,” the need to build up a positive self image. Much of the advice and counsel that is offered centers upon the perceived needs of the inquirer. The result of this is a self-centered, selfish attitude that when carried into the marriage will instantly drive the wedge of contention even deeper. The Apostle Paul wrote, “Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others” (Phil. 2:3-4). Applying the truths of these verses to our subject, should make it clear that each spouse should place the interests of the partner above his or her own. Nothing within the marriage should be done for selfish reasons, or simply to cause problems within the marriage. A positive self-image is gained, not through an inward look but, rather, an outward action. A genuine positive self-esteem is built only as one reaches out and lifts up another. In the marriage this is accomplished through the love and support each spouse has for the other.

The Christian marriage should be a shining example of all that God intended when He instituted the first garden wedding. In contrast to the selfishness of the world, the Christian marriage should be based upon the unconditional agape love of the Father. The vast majority of failed marriages within the church could be saved if only the marriage partners would practice godly principles in their marital relationship. If marriages were truly marriages and not mere mergers, spouses would be less likely to stray, financial strains would be less commonplace, and each would feel a sense of security and love. Let us all within the church strive to make our marriages real marriages and not just mergers. Let us work to willingly, lovingly and faithfully submit ourselves one to the other in the fear of Christ; standing together as one lifting up our voices in service for the Lord.